THESE DAYS EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A CHEF. THIS CAN BE ACHIEVED BY ANYONE WITH AVERAGE ABILITY AND INHERITED MONEY. FOR MORE THAN A FEW YEARS WE HAVE SEEN THE PROLIFERATION OF A PHENOMENON KNOWN AS THE CELEBRITY CHEF. A GOOD P.R. PERSON, A FEW WELL PLACED ARTICLES, AND MAYBE A TV SPOT OR TWO ALL CREATE A BUZZ LEADING TO BUBBLE THAT LASTS AS LONG AS YOU CHEW. OH YEH DON'T FORGET TO INVITE AS MANY A LISTS AS YOU CAN. THE HOPE BEING JUST ENOUGH WILL SHOW, GIVING CREDENCE TO YOUR FABRICATED SENSE OF CULINARY EXPERTISE.
WHILE IN THE SEARCH FOR THAT NEW "THING" VERY FEW HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ACHIEVE LONGEVITY. THOSE THAT HAVE THOUGH, GAINED NOTORIETY FROM THE BASIC PRINCIPLES SET FORTH BY THE LIKES OF ESCOFFIE, BOCUSE,PEPIN, ETC. SOME ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET BY ON SHEAR PERSONALITY. GREAT CUISINE IS STILL GREAT CUISINE. WHETHER SIMPLE, ROASTED BONE MARROW W/ CRUSTY COUNTRY BREAD TO MORE COMPLEX CREATIONS THERE IS A REASON THEY HAVE BEEN DONE THIS WAY FOR GENERATIONS, THAT IS THEY ARE DELICIOUS. THE TRUE MARK OF A GREAT CUISINE?, TAKE THE MOST MODEST, HUMBLE, THE PARTS, BITS AND PIECES AND TRANSFORM THEM INTO A WONDROUS CULINARY TREAT.
WHILE WATCHING ROCCO DISPIRITO'S NEW SHOW THE OTHER DAY, WE WERE HORRIFIED. THE PREMISE FOR THE SHOW IS FOR ROCCO TO TEACH AN ORDINARY PERSON OF NO FORMAL TRAINING , TO COOK THE MEAL OF THEIR DREAMS. THIS PARTICULAR CHOICE WAS BEEF WELLINGTON. AFTER RETURNING HOME FROM THE GROCERY STORE ROCCO PROCEEDED TO MAKE THE WELLINGTON. DUXCELLE- FINE, SEAR THE BEEF -FINE, SEASONING -OK, WRAPPING THE BEEF IN PUFF PASTRY - LOOKED LIKE A BAD CALSONE. BUT WAIT , IT GETS BETTER, HE MADE THE SAUCE WITH CAMPBELLS CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP. DID HE LEARN THIS FROM SANDRA LEE OR RACHEL RAY? IS HE ( OH DON'T SAY IT, PLEASE ) ANOTHER FIGURE HEAD CHEF DEPENDING SOLELY ON THE TALENT OF THE CREW TO MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD? HERE IS A CULINARY INSTITUTE OF AMERICA GRAD WHO JUST LOST ALL RESPECT GIVEN TO HIM BY HIS PEERS. LET US HOPE THAT FRITZY, METZ, ALMQUIST, OR PAPINI WILL NEVER SEE THIS.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TEACHING PEOPLE THE CORRECT WAY OF COOKING? TO TEACH " LA TECHNIQUE" THE BASIC CULINARY FORCES COME INTO PLAY EVERY TIME YOU PICK UP A KNIFE AND CUTTING BOARD. THAT IS HOW COUNTLESS OTHERS AND I LEARNED. THE PROBLEM SEEMS THAT ONCE ON TELEVISION YOU HAVE AN AURA OF RESPECTABILITY, AND A RESPONSIBILITY AT THE VERY LEAST, OF HOW AND WHY . NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY, AS MILLIONS WATCH , YOU MUST LET THE EGO FADE. YOU ARE THERE TO DEMYSTIFY, AND TEACH MANY OF THE TECHNIQUES, TERMS, AND PROCEDURES. WATCHERS ARE FORMING OPINIONS ABOUT FOOD, OPINIONS THAT YOU HELP CREATE. IT HELPS TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT TO PROFFER AN OPINION. GIVE THEM WHAT THEY NEED TO MAKE AN INFORMED OPINION. THERE IS NO EXCUSE, IN TODAY'S MARKETS ONE CAN FIND EVERYTHING NEEDED. SO TEACH THEM HOW TO DEGLAZE, REDUCE, AND FINISH A SAUCE. THEY THIRST FOR AND DRINK FROM THE CUP YOU SET BEFORE THEM.
CULINARY EDUCATION IN ALL FORMS IS SORELY NEEDED. UNTIL FAIRLY RECENTLY WELL ROUNDED, COMPLETE EDIFYING EXPERIENCES HAVE BEEN ONLY FOR US LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE ATTENDED SUCH ICONS OF CHEFDOM SUCH AS THE CIA OR IF ALL ELSE FAILS THERE'S ALWAYS JOHNNY WALES. TODAY THERE ARE MORE SCHOOLS THAN EVER, CAPITALIZING ON THIS NEWLY FOUND NEED FOR ALL THINGS CULINARY. FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON DINING AT THE LOCAL HIP, COOL PLACE, FACE A DAUNTING TASK DECIPHERING THE MENU. AH YES THOSE DREADED CULINARY TERMS MISUSED TO AN EXTENT UNHEARD OF IN THE PAST. " A TIAN OF ZUCCHINI, ISN'T A TIAN A PROVENCAL SPECIALTY? SAVORY? NO IT IS A DESSERT, A TART OF SORTS". A COOK ASKS ,REFERENCING THE OTHER RESTAURANT WERE HE WORKS " DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REMOULADE SAUCE AND TAPANADE? YOU KNOW OVER THERE THEY DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS THEIR CHEF IS DUMB" THIS IS THE SAME QUESTION ASKED WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE AN ITEM, "HOW DO YOU MAKE IT HERE?" THE ANSWER " THE USUAL WAY" THEY MAY NOT OUTWARDLY SEEM THE SAME BUT THEY BOTH CONTAIN THE SAME MESSAGE-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING. TRYING TO BE COY DOESN'T WORK. WE CAN SMELL IT, SEE IT, ALMOST TASTE IT. MANY THESE DAYS BELIEVE , BECAUSE THEY HAVE HAD CERTAIN SUCCESSES IN COOKING, THAT THEY ARE A CHEF. BUY AN EMBROIDERED JACKET, COOL BAGGY PANTS, COP AN ATITUDE " HEY EVERYONE LOOK I AM A CHEF!!!" THERE IS AN OLD SICILIAN SAYING " THE ROBE DOSEN'T MAKE THE PRIEST" THIS LEADS ONE TO THINK HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS SPEAKING ABOUT , UNTIL THAT EPIPHANY WHEN THEY REALIZE THEY HAVE BEEN DUPED.DUPED BY THAT PARTICULAR PERSON WHO THEY LOOKED UP TO IN THE PAST AS BEING A CULINARY GOD SEND. CAREFUL MY FRIENDS THIS PROFESSION IS RIFE WITH POSERS.HOPEFULLY EMBARRASSED IN THE REALIZATION THAT THOSE LOOKS WEREN'T OF WOW YOUR SO COOL, BUT WOW ( LIKE LOOKING INTO THE GRAND CANYON WOW) YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, AND I AM IN NEED OF NEW MATERIAL SO I WON'T CORRECT ANYTHING YOU SAY WOW. DUPED BY THE LIKES OF AN OVERWEIGHT, BALD GUY WHO EATS ANYTHING, TELLING YOU THAT SAUCE IS A MINT- LAVENDER CHUTNEY , WHEN IN ACTUALITY ONE CAN PLAINLY SEE IT IS A PESTO. BUT DOESN'T CHUTNEY SOUND SO MUCH COOLER? FRUSTRATING --YES, IRRITATING-- YES BUT ONE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT IN THE HASTE OF MAKING A MENU STAND OUT, DIFFERENT,OR COOL, THEY WILL LEAD PEOPLE DOWN THE WRONG PATH. OR THE FACT THAT THE LAMB CARCASS HE IS ESPOUSING ABOUT BEING "ORGANICALLY RAISED, SLAUGHTERED THIS MORNING" HAS THE CLEARLY SEEN ROLL OF THE USDA DOWN ITS SIDE. NOT TO BE TAKEN THE WRONG WAY MY FRIENDS, ULTIMATELY IT IS THE FOOD THAT MATTERS, IT MUST BE DELICIOUS IN ALL WAYS. A PERFECTLY GRILLED STEAK, BRAISED SHANKS IN RED WINE, WONDERFUL INDIGENOUS SAUSAGES, FRESH BREAD, SEAFOOD RIGHT FROM THE BOAT OLIVE OIL AND LEMON, IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER. CALL IT WHAT YOU MAY JUST GIVE ME MORE.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
culinary porn
WHAT IS IT ABOUT FOOD THAT EXCITES ,TEMPTS AND TURNS YOU ON? IN THE KITCHEN WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD OUR OWN LANGUAGE. BALL BUSTING IS A GIVEN. THE LANGUAGE CHEFS SPEAK IS THEIR OWN, A SORT OF PATOIS, PIDGIN MADE UP OF BITS AND PIECES FROM THOSE OTHERS ( FRENCH, GERMAN, SWISS, BELGIUM, ITALIAN, SPANIARDS,JAPANESE, WHATEVER.) THAT WE HAVE WORKED WITH IN THE PAST. LEARNING QUICKLY TO UNDERSTAND THE VERBAL JABS, UNDER BREATH REMARKS, AND OF COURSE THE IN YOUR FACE "WHAT IS THIS SHIT". A DEFENSE MECHANISM IN THE ULTRA COMPETITIVE CULINARY WORLD. THE ULTIMATE REWARD ? TO USE THEIR WORDS ON THEM. OF COURSE NONE OF THIS HAS ANY BEARING ON THE CHOSEN TOPIC , BUT IT IS A RITE OF PASSAGE WHEN YOU CAN WITHOUT HESITATION RIP INTO THAT ARROGANT , NO TALENT FUCK, WHO FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN HE IS FROM SOME PART OF EUROPE DECIDES THAT YOUR PRODUCT IS INFERIOR JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE AN AMERICAN. SOME OF THEM ARE BETTER OFF MAKING SHOES. AND OF COURSE THERE IS THE ABILITY TO SWEAR LIKE A SAILOR IN A DOZEN OR SO LANGUAGES-- PRICELESS. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SEE THE LOOK ON THEIR FACE.
PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS LAST STATEMENT THE WRONG WAY. MOST OF MY BEST FRIENDS AND RESPECTED COHORTS ARE EUROPEAN OF SOME SORT. I LOVE AND RESPECT THEM.
SITUATIONS LIKE THIS GIVE YOU A CHOICE. EITHER YOU GET MAD, WHICH NEVER DID ANYBODY ANY GOOD OR AS I , DECIDE TO BE BETTER THAN THEM ON ALL LEVELS. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BEAT THEM ON THERE OWN TURF AT THEIR OWN GAME. IT IS A MORE ELEGANT SOLUTION. DAMN SWEDES. THERE WAS ONE THING THAT I NEVER WAS REALLY GOOD AT, DRINKING LARGE QUANTITIES OF ALCOHOL. I AM NO WIMP, BUT DO NOT GET INTO A DRINKING SITUATION WITH A SWEDE AND EXPECT TO SURVIVE.
THE SWEETEST REWARD IS THE RESPECT SHOWN TO YOU BY OTHERS. CLAUDE , A RESPECTED SOUS CHEF, WHO REALLY, REALLY WANTED TO BE GERMAN( WHY?) GOT INTO A DISCUSSION WITH ME ABOUT THE PROPER WAY TO MAKE A MORNAY SAUCE. I EXPLAINED MY TECHNIQUE AND HE RIPPED ME WITH THE STANDARD ESCOFFIE METHOD. WHETHER YOU USE ONE OR THE OTHER DOESN'T MATTER, IT IS FINAL PRODUCT THAT DOES. FINISHED WITH MY BREAK I ROUNDED THE CORNER ONLY TO SEE AND HEAR CLAUDE " THIS KID HAS STYLE" AS HE TASTED MY SAUCE. FROM THAT POINT ON RARELY DID HE QUESTION MY ABILITY. LIKE MAJIC HE BECAME MY BEST FRIEND OF SORTS, AND I WAS HIS GO TO IN A PINCH. BUT HEY, HE WAS ALSO THE GUY WHO WANTED ME TO USE THE MOUSE AND FECAL MATTER INFESTED LENITLS ONLY BECAUSE HE WAS TO LAZY TO GO THE STOREROOM. ADD EXTRA CURRY, GARLIC AND I THINK IT FLOATS , SO GET THE SKIMMER.
SOME CHEFS NEED NOT PROVE ANYTHING TO ANYONE. THEY ARE AMONG THE STRATOSPHERE. THERE ARE NEW MEMBERS OF THIS GROUP IN SPAIN, ITALY, THE U.S., AND ALL OVER THE WORLD. THESE CULINARY GENIUSES HAVE AND WILL CONTINUE TO EXPAND THROUGH INNOVATION ,INVENTION AND IMAGINATION. ALL ROOTED FIRMLY IN THE PAST WHILE LOOKING EVERMORE TOWARDS THE FUTURE. TASTE, TEXTURES, AND VISUALS WILL BE CONTINUALLY PUSHED. EACH HAS DISPLAYED ABILITY FEW WILL EVER HOPE TO OBTAIN, WE MORTALS HOPE SOME WILL RUB OFF. TO DOUBT THEM IS PATENTLY WRONG. MAYBE WE MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IMMEDIATELY,BUT ONCE WE SMELL, TASTE,AND TOUCH IT WILL BE FAMILIAR. ONE CAN ONLY HOPE THE PRODUCT LIVES UP TO THEIR EXPECTATIONS, NOT THE GUESTS. TO LEARN FROM THEM IS A RARE TREAT, FEW EVER GET TO EXPERIENCE. THEY TEND TO CIRCULATE ONLY WITH THOSE OF US WHO THEY FEEL COMFORTABLE.
HAVE YOU EVER SMELLED THE EARLY SUMMER AIR, SO CLEAN AND FRESH? VISITED YOUR FAVORITE FARM , CORN STILL WARM, POD PEAS, FRUITY ,LUSCIOUSNESS OF VINE TOMATOES,ALL MIXED WITH THE SCENT OF THE WELL USED WOODEN BASKETS USED TO CRADLE THEM? ORNERY SOFT SHELLS, FIESTY LOBSTERS, AND CHECK OUT THAT MARBLING.YOU KNOW INSTINCTIVELY TO NIGHTS MENU WILL ROCK. STAND BACK AND SURVEY THE BOUNTY. BECOMING INTIMATE WITH THESE,WHILE THOUGHTS OF THE COMING MEAL MAKE YOU SALIVATE. THOSE VERY THOUGHTS REMEMBERED FROM TIMES PAST STILL STIR ONES PALATE. WHO CAN DENY THE WANTON, COME ON AND TAKE ME SEXINESS OF A PERFECTLY RIPE PEACH, WHILE ITS JUICES FLOW DOWN THE CORNER OF YOUR MOUTH. THE TENDER FEEL OF KNEADING DOUGH, SUPPLE YET FIRM. JEAN JACQUES ONCE TOLD ME THAT COOKING IS LIKE SEX, YOU NEED TO FEEL, TASTE, TOUCH, SOMETIMES GENTLE, SOMETIMES ROUGH. THE TRICK IS ALWAYS KNOWING WHEN.
PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS LAST STATEMENT THE WRONG WAY. MOST OF MY BEST FRIENDS AND RESPECTED COHORTS ARE EUROPEAN OF SOME SORT. I LOVE AND RESPECT THEM.
SITUATIONS LIKE THIS GIVE YOU A CHOICE. EITHER YOU GET MAD, WHICH NEVER DID ANYBODY ANY GOOD OR AS I , DECIDE TO BE BETTER THAN THEM ON ALL LEVELS. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BEAT THEM ON THERE OWN TURF AT THEIR OWN GAME. IT IS A MORE ELEGANT SOLUTION. DAMN SWEDES. THERE WAS ONE THING THAT I NEVER WAS REALLY GOOD AT, DRINKING LARGE QUANTITIES OF ALCOHOL. I AM NO WIMP, BUT DO NOT GET INTO A DRINKING SITUATION WITH A SWEDE AND EXPECT TO SURVIVE.
THE SWEETEST REWARD IS THE RESPECT SHOWN TO YOU BY OTHERS. CLAUDE , A RESPECTED SOUS CHEF, WHO REALLY, REALLY WANTED TO BE GERMAN( WHY?) GOT INTO A DISCUSSION WITH ME ABOUT THE PROPER WAY TO MAKE A MORNAY SAUCE. I EXPLAINED MY TECHNIQUE AND HE RIPPED ME WITH THE STANDARD ESCOFFIE METHOD. WHETHER YOU USE ONE OR THE OTHER DOESN'T MATTER, IT IS FINAL PRODUCT THAT DOES. FINISHED WITH MY BREAK I ROUNDED THE CORNER ONLY TO SEE AND HEAR CLAUDE " THIS KID HAS STYLE" AS HE TASTED MY SAUCE. FROM THAT POINT ON RARELY DID HE QUESTION MY ABILITY. LIKE MAJIC HE BECAME MY BEST FRIEND OF SORTS, AND I WAS HIS GO TO IN A PINCH. BUT HEY, HE WAS ALSO THE GUY WHO WANTED ME TO USE THE MOUSE AND FECAL MATTER INFESTED LENITLS ONLY BECAUSE HE WAS TO LAZY TO GO THE STOREROOM. ADD EXTRA CURRY, GARLIC AND I THINK IT FLOATS , SO GET THE SKIMMER.
SOME CHEFS NEED NOT PROVE ANYTHING TO ANYONE. THEY ARE AMONG THE STRATOSPHERE. THERE ARE NEW MEMBERS OF THIS GROUP IN SPAIN, ITALY, THE U.S., AND ALL OVER THE WORLD. THESE CULINARY GENIUSES HAVE AND WILL CONTINUE TO EXPAND THROUGH INNOVATION ,INVENTION AND IMAGINATION. ALL ROOTED FIRMLY IN THE PAST WHILE LOOKING EVERMORE TOWARDS THE FUTURE. TASTE, TEXTURES, AND VISUALS WILL BE CONTINUALLY PUSHED. EACH HAS DISPLAYED ABILITY FEW WILL EVER HOPE TO OBTAIN, WE MORTALS HOPE SOME WILL RUB OFF. TO DOUBT THEM IS PATENTLY WRONG. MAYBE WE MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IMMEDIATELY,BUT ONCE WE SMELL, TASTE,AND TOUCH IT WILL BE FAMILIAR. ONE CAN ONLY HOPE THE PRODUCT LIVES UP TO THEIR EXPECTATIONS, NOT THE GUESTS. TO LEARN FROM THEM IS A RARE TREAT, FEW EVER GET TO EXPERIENCE. THEY TEND TO CIRCULATE ONLY WITH THOSE OF US WHO THEY FEEL COMFORTABLE.
HAVE YOU EVER SMELLED THE EARLY SUMMER AIR, SO CLEAN AND FRESH? VISITED YOUR FAVORITE FARM , CORN STILL WARM, POD PEAS, FRUITY ,LUSCIOUSNESS OF VINE TOMATOES,ALL MIXED WITH THE SCENT OF THE WELL USED WOODEN BASKETS USED TO CRADLE THEM? ORNERY SOFT SHELLS, FIESTY LOBSTERS, AND CHECK OUT THAT MARBLING.YOU KNOW INSTINCTIVELY TO NIGHTS MENU WILL ROCK. STAND BACK AND SURVEY THE BOUNTY. BECOMING INTIMATE WITH THESE,WHILE THOUGHTS OF THE COMING MEAL MAKE YOU SALIVATE. THOSE VERY THOUGHTS REMEMBERED FROM TIMES PAST STILL STIR ONES PALATE. WHO CAN DENY THE WANTON, COME ON AND TAKE ME SEXINESS OF A PERFECTLY RIPE PEACH, WHILE ITS JUICES FLOW DOWN THE CORNER OF YOUR MOUTH. THE TENDER FEEL OF KNEADING DOUGH, SUPPLE YET FIRM. JEAN JACQUES ONCE TOLD ME THAT COOKING IS LIKE SEX, YOU NEED TO FEEL, TASTE, TOUCH, SOMETIMES GENTLE, SOMETIMES ROUGH. THE TRICK IS ALWAYS KNOWING WHEN.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
excitement
EXCITEMENT FOR A CHEF AVAILS ITSELF IN A MULTITUDE OF FORMS. BEYOND, AND I SHOULD HOPE THIS IS TRUE,THE NORMAL THRILL OF INCREDIBLY FRESH, HIGH QUALITY INGREDIENTS, GREAT STAFF, WORKING ENVIRONMENT AND GUESTS WITH A LUST FOR ALL THINGS CULINARY, THERE IS A DARKER SIDE.
I SUPPOSE ONE SHOULD READ BOURDAINS BOOKS. THEY ARE A REAL EYE OPENER FOR THOSE UNACCUSTOMED TO THE MYSTERIOUS INNER WORKINGS OF KITCHENS. OR EVEN WAITING, WITH ITS SOPHOMORIC HUMOR ASIDE, HONESTLY HAD ITS MOMENTS OF TOTAL CLARITY KNOWN ONLY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE.
A LONG TIME AGO MY VERY FIRST CHEF,JEAN JACQUES, MADE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR THAT " A CHEF IS MANY THINGS, BABE". LITTLE DID I REALIZE THAT IN MY YOUTHFUL EXUBERANCE HOW TRUE AND HAUNTING THAT STATEMENT WOULD BE.
IMAGINE IF YOU MAY THE CONTROLLED CHAOS , BARKING ORDERS, SWEATING COOKS, THE NOISE.THE MAYHEM INTO THIS CAME A TOTAL TWIT OF A WAITRESS HER HANDS POISED AS A MANTIS "EXCUSE ME CHEF I HAVE A QUESTION" , DREADED WORDS DURING THE RUSH, " ARE CAPERS AN ANIMAL, MINERAL OR VEGETABLE? MY CUSTOMER REALLY WANTS TO KNOW" THE LINE WENT SILENT.FOR A BRIEF MOMENT TIME ITSELF STOOD STILL, EVERYTHING SLO MO'D LIKE THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN. LOOKS OF INCREDULITY OVER TOOK EACH AND EVERY COOK, WAITING FOR AN EXPLOSIVE RESPONSE. " EXCUSE ME" I SAID IN A CALM ASSERTIVE MANNER AND SIMPLY ANSWERED "VEGETABLE", AND NO I DID NOT GRAB HER NECK ALA CEASAR MILAN, ALTHOUGH THE THOUGHT DID CROSS MY MIND.MY CREW OBVIOUSLY WAS DISAPPOINTED AT MY RESTRAINT. I AM SURE THAT THE GUEST ALREADY HAD HER PEGGED AS AN IMBECILE AND JUST WANTED A GOOD LAUGH. ONE SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE UTTER STUPIDITY OF EMPLOYEES.
DURING AN INTERVIEW FOR A WAITRESS POSITION, A SEEMINGLY PLEASANT YOUNG LADY, WAS EXPOUNDING ON HER PROWESS AS A SERVER. IN A VERY FOREST GUMP LIKE STATEMENT SHE SAID " I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF WAITRESSES, MY GRAMMY WAS A WAITRESS, MY MOMMA WAS A WAITRESS, MY SISTER AND COUSIN ARE WAITRESSES, I BEEN THERE DONE THAT TWICE OVER" OH GOOD MAYBE SHE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ANIMAL, MINERAL AND VEGETABLE CONDIMENT. HER FIRST NIGHT, HER FIRST BOTTLE OF WINE TO BE SERVED. THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THE LAWS OF LEVERAGE. AND OF COURSE THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THE DESIGN OF A CORK SCREW. SHE PROPERLY INSERTED THE CORK SCREW , HANDILY WEDGED THE BOTTLE IN HER ARM PIT AND PROCEEDS TO TRY AND MUSCLE OUT THE CORK. UMMM A FINE CABERNET, HINTS OF OAK,JAMMY, BERRIES, SWEAT. A FINE GASTRONOMIC EXPERIENCE, MAYBE NEXT TIME A SCREW TOP AND STRAW , ELLIE FUCKING MAE.
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION EXCITEMENT HAS REARED ITS UGLY HEAD IN MOST UNEXPECTED WAYS. BACKED UP SEWER LINES TURNING THE FLOOR INTO AN INLAND SEA OF FLOATING DEBRIS. FAILED HVAC SYSTEMS, RUNNING OUT OF GAS, COMPRESSORS CRAPPING OUT, AND THEN THE ALL TIME FAVORITES.
FULL HOUSE- POWER OUTAGE, LAST BAG OF LENTILS- RODENT FECAL MATTER, DELIVERY ARRIVES- MISSING MINOR ITEMS SUCH AS THE STRIP LOINS( WHERES MY FUCKING STRIPS, NO TOMORROW IS TO LATE , I NEED THEM FOR TONIGHT) OR DO WE HAVE ANY MORE OF?????- HOW COME YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WHEN YOU WERE RUNNING LOW?
LEST WE FORGET TO COVER MISHAPS THAT ADD EXCITEMENT TO A OTHERWISE MUNDANE WORK ENVIRONMENT. FOR MANY OF US IN THE KITCHEN , CUTTING , BURNING OR OTHERWISE DISFIGURING YOURSELF CAN LEAD TO HARASSMENT, RIDICULE, AND THE EVER PRESENT "CAN I SEE"---- FUCK THAT'S NASTY. HERE LET ME SQUEEZE IT "DOES IT HURT?" OF COURSE IT DOES , BUT I AM NEVER GOING TO ADMIT IT ANYWHERE ON THIS CONTINENT, NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS TO YOUR CULINARY PEERS, SUCK IT UP AND KEEP GOING. NEVER MIND THAT TRAIL OF BLOOD, SHIT WHEN DID THAT POP THE POMMES DAUPHINE, MORE SALT MORE PEPPER, NOW MIX AGAIN. COME ON MAN LETS GO , MOVE YOUR ASS. MY GRANDMA MOVES FASTER THAN YOU. IS THAT A TEAR? THERE'S NO CRYING IN THE KITCHEN, SHIT, COME ON COME ON. WIPE THOSE SPOTS ON THE PLATE. ODDLY THERE IS SOMETHING STRANGELY SATISFYING, IF NOT DISTURBING ABOUT PATCHING UP ONE OF YOUR COMRADES. OF COURSE WATCHING THEM CRAP THEIR PANTS WHEN RAW NERVOUS TISSUE MEETS SALT MAKES IT ALL WORTH WHILE. AND YES IN THE KITCHEN THERE IS ALWAYS THAT ONE WARPED PERSON WHO REVELS IN THE ANCIENT ART OF INJURY ABATEMENT. PAST LIVES ASIDE,KARMA IS A BITCH, HE PROBABLY WAS A HIGH PRIEST PERFORMING GENITAL BLOOD LETTINGS ON THE GOD /KINGS.
AHH YES MY FRIENDS THIS IS MY FIRST BLOG. MORE TO COME. CIAO
I SUPPOSE ONE SHOULD READ BOURDAINS BOOKS. THEY ARE A REAL EYE OPENER FOR THOSE UNACCUSTOMED TO THE MYSTERIOUS INNER WORKINGS OF KITCHENS. OR EVEN WAITING, WITH ITS SOPHOMORIC HUMOR ASIDE, HONESTLY HAD ITS MOMENTS OF TOTAL CLARITY KNOWN ONLY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE.
A LONG TIME AGO MY VERY FIRST CHEF,JEAN JACQUES, MADE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR THAT " A CHEF IS MANY THINGS, BABE". LITTLE DID I REALIZE THAT IN MY YOUTHFUL EXUBERANCE HOW TRUE AND HAUNTING THAT STATEMENT WOULD BE.
IMAGINE IF YOU MAY THE CONTROLLED CHAOS , BARKING ORDERS, SWEATING COOKS, THE NOISE.THE MAYHEM INTO THIS CAME A TOTAL TWIT OF A WAITRESS HER HANDS POISED AS A MANTIS "EXCUSE ME CHEF I HAVE A QUESTION" , DREADED WORDS DURING THE RUSH, " ARE CAPERS AN ANIMAL, MINERAL OR VEGETABLE? MY CUSTOMER REALLY WANTS TO KNOW" THE LINE WENT SILENT.FOR A BRIEF MOMENT TIME ITSELF STOOD STILL, EVERYTHING SLO MO'D LIKE THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN. LOOKS OF INCREDULITY OVER TOOK EACH AND EVERY COOK, WAITING FOR AN EXPLOSIVE RESPONSE. " EXCUSE ME" I SAID IN A CALM ASSERTIVE MANNER AND SIMPLY ANSWERED "VEGETABLE", AND NO I DID NOT GRAB HER NECK ALA CEASAR MILAN, ALTHOUGH THE THOUGHT DID CROSS MY MIND.MY CREW OBVIOUSLY WAS DISAPPOINTED AT MY RESTRAINT. I AM SURE THAT THE GUEST ALREADY HAD HER PEGGED AS AN IMBECILE AND JUST WANTED A GOOD LAUGH. ONE SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE UTTER STUPIDITY OF EMPLOYEES.
DURING AN INTERVIEW FOR A WAITRESS POSITION, A SEEMINGLY PLEASANT YOUNG LADY, WAS EXPOUNDING ON HER PROWESS AS A SERVER. IN A VERY FOREST GUMP LIKE STATEMENT SHE SAID " I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF WAITRESSES, MY GRAMMY WAS A WAITRESS, MY MOMMA WAS A WAITRESS, MY SISTER AND COUSIN ARE WAITRESSES, I BEEN THERE DONE THAT TWICE OVER" OH GOOD MAYBE SHE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ANIMAL, MINERAL AND VEGETABLE CONDIMENT. HER FIRST NIGHT, HER FIRST BOTTLE OF WINE TO BE SERVED. THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THE LAWS OF LEVERAGE. AND OF COURSE THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THE DESIGN OF A CORK SCREW. SHE PROPERLY INSERTED THE CORK SCREW , HANDILY WEDGED THE BOTTLE IN HER ARM PIT AND PROCEEDS TO TRY AND MUSCLE OUT THE CORK. UMMM A FINE CABERNET, HINTS OF OAK,JAMMY, BERRIES, SWEAT. A FINE GASTRONOMIC EXPERIENCE, MAYBE NEXT TIME A SCREW TOP AND STRAW , ELLIE FUCKING MAE.
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION EXCITEMENT HAS REARED ITS UGLY HEAD IN MOST UNEXPECTED WAYS. BACKED UP SEWER LINES TURNING THE FLOOR INTO AN INLAND SEA OF FLOATING DEBRIS. FAILED HVAC SYSTEMS, RUNNING OUT OF GAS, COMPRESSORS CRAPPING OUT, AND THEN THE ALL TIME FAVORITES.
FULL HOUSE- POWER OUTAGE, LAST BAG OF LENTILS- RODENT FECAL MATTER, DELIVERY ARRIVES- MISSING MINOR ITEMS SUCH AS THE STRIP LOINS( WHERES MY FUCKING STRIPS, NO TOMORROW IS TO LATE , I NEED THEM FOR TONIGHT) OR DO WE HAVE ANY MORE OF?????- HOW COME YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WHEN YOU WERE RUNNING LOW?
LEST WE FORGET TO COVER MISHAPS THAT ADD EXCITEMENT TO A OTHERWISE MUNDANE WORK ENVIRONMENT. FOR MANY OF US IN THE KITCHEN , CUTTING , BURNING OR OTHERWISE DISFIGURING YOURSELF CAN LEAD TO HARASSMENT, RIDICULE, AND THE EVER PRESENT "CAN I SEE"---- FUCK THAT'S NASTY. HERE LET ME SQUEEZE IT "DOES IT HURT?" OF COURSE IT DOES , BUT I AM NEVER GOING TO ADMIT IT ANYWHERE ON THIS CONTINENT, NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS TO YOUR CULINARY PEERS, SUCK IT UP AND KEEP GOING. NEVER MIND THAT TRAIL OF BLOOD, SHIT WHEN DID THAT POP THE POMMES DAUPHINE, MORE SALT MORE PEPPER, NOW MIX AGAIN. COME ON MAN LETS GO , MOVE YOUR ASS. MY GRANDMA MOVES FASTER THAN YOU. IS THAT A TEAR? THERE'S NO CRYING IN THE KITCHEN, SHIT, COME ON COME ON. WIPE THOSE SPOTS ON THE PLATE. ODDLY THERE IS SOMETHING STRANGELY SATISFYING, IF NOT DISTURBING ABOUT PATCHING UP ONE OF YOUR COMRADES. OF COURSE WATCHING THEM CRAP THEIR PANTS WHEN RAW NERVOUS TISSUE MEETS SALT MAKES IT ALL WORTH WHILE. AND YES IN THE KITCHEN THERE IS ALWAYS THAT ONE WARPED PERSON WHO REVELS IN THE ANCIENT ART OF INJURY ABATEMENT. PAST LIVES ASIDE,KARMA IS A BITCH, HE PROBABLY WAS A HIGH PRIEST PERFORMING GENITAL BLOOD LETTINGS ON THE GOD /KINGS.
AHH YES MY FRIENDS THIS IS MY FIRST BLOG. MORE TO COME. CIAO
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)