EXCITEMENT FOR A CHEF AVAILS ITSELF IN A MULTITUDE OF FORMS. BEYOND, AND I SHOULD HOPE THIS IS TRUE,THE NORMAL THRILL OF INCREDIBLY FRESH, HIGH QUALITY INGREDIENTS, GREAT STAFF, WORKING ENVIRONMENT AND GUESTS WITH A LUST FOR ALL THINGS CULINARY, THERE IS A DARKER SIDE.
I SUPPOSE ONE SHOULD READ BOURDAINS BOOKS. THEY ARE A REAL EYE OPENER FOR THOSE UNACCUSTOMED TO THE MYSTERIOUS INNER WORKINGS OF KITCHENS. OR EVEN WAITING, WITH ITS SOPHOMORIC HUMOR ASIDE, HONESTLY HAD ITS MOMENTS OF TOTAL CLARITY KNOWN ONLY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE.
A LONG TIME AGO MY VERY FIRST CHEF,JEAN JACQUES, MADE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR THAT " A CHEF IS MANY THINGS, BABE". LITTLE DID I REALIZE THAT IN MY YOUTHFUL EXUBERANCE HOW TRUE AND HAUNTING THAT STATEMENT WOULD BE.
IMAGINE IF YOU MAY THE CONTROLLED CHAOS , BARKING ORDERS, SWEATING COOKS, THE NOISE.THE MAYHEM INTO THIS CAME A TOTAL TWIT OF A WAITRESS HER HANDS POISED AS A MANTIS "EXCUSE ME CHEF I HAVE A QUESTION" , DREADED WORDS DURING THE RUSH, " ARE CAPERS AN ANIMAL, MINERAL OR VEGETABLE? MY CUSTOMER REALLY WANTS TO KNOW" THE LINE WENT SILENT.FOR A BRIEF MOMENT TIME ITSELF STOOD STILL, EVERYTHING SLO MO'D LIKE THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN. LOOKS OF INCREDULITY OVER TOOK EACH AND EVERY COOK, WAITING FOR AN EXPLOSIVE RESPONSE. " EXCUSE ME" I SAID IN A CALM ASSERTIVE MANNER AND SIMPLY ANSWERED "VEGETABLE", AND NO I DID NOT GRAB HER NECK ALA CEASAR MILAN, ALTHOUGH THE THOUGHT DID CROSS MY MIND.MY CREW OBVIOUSLY WAS DISAPPOINTED AT MY RESTRAINT. I AM SURE THAT THE GUEST ALREADY HAD HER PEGGED AS AN IMBECILE AND JUST WANTED A GOOD LAUGH. ONE SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE UTTER STUPIDITY OF EMPLOYEES.
DURING AN INTERVIEW FOR A WAITRESS POSITION, A SEEMINGLY PLEASANT YOUNG LADY, WAS EXPOUNDING ON HER PROWESS AS A SERVER. IN A VERY FOREST GUMP LIKE STATEMENT SHE SAID " I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF WAITRESSES, MY GRAMMY WAS A WAITRESS, MY MOMMA WAS A WAITRESS, MY SISTER AND COUSIN ARE WAITRESSES, I BEEN THERE DONE THAT TWICE OVER" OH GOOD MAYBE SHE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ANIMAL, MINERAL AND VEGETABLE CONDIMENT. HER FIRST NIGHT, HER FIRST BOTTLE OF WINE TO BE SERVED. THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THE LAWS OF LEVERAGE. AND OF COURSE THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THE DESIGN OF A CORK SCREW. SHE PROPERLY INSERTED THE CORK SCREW , HANDILY WEDGED THE BOTTLE IN HER ARM PIT AND PROCEEDS TO TRY AND MUSCLE OUT THE CORK. UMMM A FINE CABERNET, HINTS OF OAK,JAMMY, BERRIES, SWEAT. A FINE GASTRONOMIC EXPERIENCE, MAYBE NEXT TIME A SCREW TOP AND STRAW , ELLIE FUCKING MAE.
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION EXCITEMENT HAS REARED ITS UGLY HEAD IN MOST UNEXPECTED WAYS. BACKED UP SEWER LINES TURNING THE FLOOR INTO AN INLAND SEA OF FLOATING DEBRIS. FAILED HVAC SYSTEMS, RUNNING OUT OF GAS, COMPRESSORS CRAPPING OUT, AND THEN THE ALL TIME FAVORITES.
FULL HOUSE- POWER OUTAGE, LAST BAG OF LENTILS- RODENT FECAL MATTER, DELIVERY ARRIVES- MISSING MINOR ITEMS SUCH AS THE STRIP LOINS( WHERES MY FUCKING STRIPS, NO TOMORROW IS TO LATE , I NEED THEM FOR TONIGHT) OR DO WE HAVE ANY MORE OF?????- HOW COME YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WHEN YOU WERE RUNNING LOW?
LEST WE FORGET TO COVER MISHAPS THAT ADD EXCITEMENT TO A OTHERWISE MUNDANE WORK ENVIRONMENT. FOR MANY OF US IN THE KITCHEN , CUTTING , BURNING OR OTHERWISE DISFIGURING YOURSELF CAN LEAD TO HARASSMENT, RIDICULE, AND THE EVER PRESENT "CAN I SEE"---- FUCK THAT'S NASTY. HERE LET ME SQUEEZE IT "DOES IT HURT?" OF COURSE IT DOES , BUT I AM NEVER GOING TO ADMIT IT ANYWHERE ON THIS CONTINENT, NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS TO YOUR CULINARY PEERS, SUCK IT UP AND KEEP GOING. NEVER MIND THAT TRAIL OF BLOOD, SHIT WHEN DID THAT POP THE POMMES DAUPHINE, MORE SALT MORE PEPPER, NOW MIX AGAIN. COME ON MAN LETS GO , MOVE YOUR ASS. MY GRANDMA MOVES FASTER THAN YOU. IS THAT A TEAR? THERE'S NO CRYING IN THE KITCHEN, SHIT, COME ON COME ON. WIPE THOSE SPOTS ON THE PLATE. ODDLY THERE IS SOMETHING STRANGELY SATISFYING, IF NOT DISTURBING ABOUT PATCHING UP ONE OF YOUR COMRADES. OF COURSE WATCHING THEM CRAP THEIR PANTS WHEN RAW NERVOUS TISSUE MEETS SALT MAKES IT ALL WORTH WHILE. AND YES IN THE KITCHEN THERE IS ALWAYS THAT ONE WARPED PERSON WHO REVELS IN THE ANCIENT ART OF INJURY ABATEMENT. PAST LIVES ASIDE,KARMA IS A BITCH, HE PROBABLY WAS A HIGH PRIEST PERFORMING GENITAL BLOOD LETTINGS ON THE GOD /KINGS.
AHH YES MY FRIENDS THIS IS MY FIRST BLOG. MORE TO COME. CIAO
I SUPPOSE ONE SHOULD READ BOURDAINS BOOKS. THEY ARE A REAL EYE OPENER FOR THOSE UNACCUSTOMED TO THE MYSTERIOUS INNER WORKINGS OF KITCHENS. OR EVEN WAITING, WITH ITS SOPHOMORIC HUMOR ASIDE, HONESTLY HAD ITS MOMENTS OF TOTAL CLARITY KNOWN ONLY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE.
A LONG TIME AGO MY VERY FIRST CHEF,JEAN JACQUES, MADE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR THAT " A CHEF IS MANY THINGS, BABE". LITTLE DID I REALIZE THAT IN MY YOUTHFUL EXUBERANCE HOW TRUE AND HAUNTING THAT STATEMENT WOULD BE.
IMAGINE IF YOU MAY THE CONTROLLED CHAOS , BARKING ORDERS, SWEATING COOKS, THE NOISE.THE MAYHEM INTO THIS CAME A TOTAL TWIT OF A WAITRESS HER HANDS POISED AS A MANTIS "EXCUSE ME CHEF I HAVE A QUESTION" , DREADED WORDS DURING THE RUSH, " ARE CAPERS AN ANIMAL, MINERAL OR VEGETABLE? MY CUSTOMER REALLY WANTS TO KNOW" THE LINE WENT SILENT.FOR A BRIEF MOMENT TIME ITSELF STOOD STILL, EVERYTHING SLO MO'D LIKE THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN. LOOKS OF INCREDULITY OVER TOOK EACH AND EVERY COOK, WAITING FOR AN EXPLOSIVE RESPONSE. " EXCUSE ME" I SAID IN A CALM ASSERTIVE MANNER AND SIMPLY ANSWERED "VEGETABLE", AND NO I DID NOT GRAB HER NECK ALA CEASAR MILAN, ALTHOUGH THE THOUGHT DID CROSS MY MIND.MY CREW OBVIOUSLY WAS DISAPPOINTED AT MY RESTRAINT. I AM SURE THAT THE GUEST ALREADY HAD HER PEGGED AS AN IMBECILE AND JUST WANTED A GOOD LAUGH. ONE SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE UTTER STUPIDITY OF EMPLOYEES.
DURING AN INTERVIEW FOR A WAITRESS POSITION, A SEEMINGLY PLEASANT YOUNG LADY, WAS EXPOUNDING ON HER PROWESS AS A SERVER. IN A VERY FOREST GUMP LIKE STATEMENT SHE SAID " I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF WAITRESSES, MY GRAMMY WAS A WAITRESS, MY MOMMA WAS A WAITRESS, MY SISTER AND COUSIN ARE WAITRESSES, I BEEN THERE DONE THAT TWICE OVER" OH GOOD MAYBE SHE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ANIMAL, MINERAL AND VEGETABLE CONDIMENT. HER FIRST NIGHT, HER FIRST BOTTLE OF WINE TO BE SERVED. THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THE LAWS OF LEVERAGE. AND OF COURSE THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THE DESIGN OF A CORK SCREW. SHE PROPERLY INSERTED THE CORK SCREW , HANDILY WEDGED THE BOTTLE IN HER ARM PIT AND PROCEEDS TO TRY AND MUSCLE OUT THE CORK. UMMM A FINE CABERNET, HINTS OF OAK,JAMMY, BERRIES, SWEAT. A FINE GASTRONOMIC EXPERIENCE, MAYBE NEXT TIME A SCREW TOP AND STRAW , ELLIE FUCKING MAE.
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION EXCITEMENT HAS REARED ITS UGLY HEAD IN MOST UNEXPECTED WAYS. BACKED UP SEWER LINES TURNING THE FLOOR INTO AN INLAND SEA OF FLOATING DEBRIS. FAILED HVAC SYSTEMS, RUNNING OUT OF GAS, COMPRESSORS CRAPPING OUT, AND THEN THE ALL TIME FAVORITES.
FULL HOUSE- POWER OUTAGE, LAST BAG OF LENTILS- RODENT FECAL MATTER, DELIVERY ARRIVES- MISSING MINOR ITEMS SUCH AS THE STRIP LOINS( WHERES MY FUCKING STRIPS, NO TOMORROW IS TO LATE , I NEED THEM FOR TONIGHT) OR DO WE HAVE ANY MORE OF?????- HOW COME YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WHEN YOU WERE RUNNING LOW?
LEST WE FORGET TO COVER MISHAPS THAT ADD EXCITEMENT TO A OTHERWISE MUNDANE WORK ENVIRONMENT. FOR MANY OF US IN THE KITCHEN , CUTTING , BURNING OR OTHERWISE DISFIGURING YOURSELF CAN LEAD TO HARASSMENT, RIDICULE, AND THE EVER PRESENT "CAN I SEE"---- FUCK THAT'S NASTY. HERE LET ME SQUEEZE IT "DOES IT HURT?" OF COURSE IT DOES , BUT I AM NEVER GOING TO ADMIT IT ANYWHERE ON THIS CONTINENT, NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS TO YOUR CULINARY PEERS, SUCK IT UP AND KEEP GOING. NEVER MIND THAT TRAIL OF BLOOD, SHIT WHEN DID THAT POP THE POMMES DAUPHINE, MORE SALT MORE PEPPER, NOW MIX AGAIN. COME ON MAN LETS GO , MOVE YOUR ASS. MY GRANDMA MOVES FASTER THAN YOU. IS THAT A TEAR? THERE'S NO CRYING IN THE KITCHEN, SHIT, COME ON COME ON. WIPE THOSE SPOTS ON THE PLATE. ODDLY THERE IS SOMETHING STRANGELY SATISFYING, IF NOT DISTURBING ABOUT PATCHING UP ONE OF YOUR COMRADES. OF COURSE WATCHING THEM CRAP THEIR PANTS WHEN RAW NERVOUS TISSUE MEETS SALT MAKES IT ALL WORTH WHILE. AND YES IN THE KITCHEN THERE IS ALWAYS THAT ONE WARPED PERSON WHO REVELS IN THE ANCIENT ART OF INJURY ABATEMENT. PAST LIVES ASIDE,KARMA IS A BITCH, HE PROBABLY WAS A HIGH PRIEST PERFORMING GENITAL BLOOD LETTINGS ON THE GOD /KINGS.
AHH YES MY FRIENDS THIS IS MY FIRST BLOG. MORE TO COME. CIAO
1 comment:
Just in time for Halloween, the dark side of gastronomy exposed! I may never eat in a restaurant again, but I do want to read more...
I think I know that waitress, by the way, the under-the-armpit one. But it was Chardonnay, and we were at Phillips' Baltimore Harbor Place in 1989, with people we were trying to impress, and oh, she kept enhancing her stellar sommelier service by periodically acclaiming, "Shit!" Maybe it was Grammy.
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